review

THE REINCARNATION OF ISABEL

"Why do you watch this stuff?" is the question I am asked by just about every person I come into contact with. They ignore the large rack of foreign and art house DVDs and latch onto the equally large collection of exploitation films sitting right beside it. They eyeball all the cannibal flicks, rape / revenge movies, giallo goodies and slasher films and just shake their heads. "Why do watch this stuff?", they ask. I usually give one of three bottled responses. The first one usually has to do with simple psychology and even simpler sociology. The second, the one that never seems be the correct answer, is even simpler: "Because I like them". The third one is reserved specifically for films like THE REINCARNATION OF ISABEL: "I have absolutely no idea".


The Reincarnation of Isabel

With a title that translates literally to RITES, BLACK MAGIC AND SECRET ORGIES IN THE 14TH CENTURY, you would expect THE REINCARNATION OF ISABEL to be somewhat entertaining. But alas... I can't for the life of me figure out if this film is supposed to be comical, erotic, scary, or some strange piece of surrealist cinema. It most certainly makes no sense. I don't think it's even possible to give an understandable plot synopsis. From what I gather, a witch who also happens to be a vampire is tied to a cross. Barely fazed by the stake that's been driven through her heart, she's set on fire while Mickey Hargitay overacts wildly in the background. Later on, he sells his soul and becomes Count Dracula. Centuries later, a bunch of Satanists in red longjohns and blue face paint are trying to bring the witch - who wasn't a witch at all - back to life by sacrificing a bunch of virgins that for some reason live in an old castle. A guy named Jack shows up with his step-daughter and plans on using her as the new vessel for the dead witch's soul. Everyone in the house is a reincarnation of the people that burned the witch, including Jack who is the (I think) reincarnation of Dracula. Why an immortal being like a vampire would need to be reincarnated is glossed over. While all the old dudes kinda sorta suck the blood out of everything with tits and a pulse, Jack captures his step-daughter and places her before the sacrificial altar. She manages to get free and drives a stake through Jack's heart while he's lying in a coffin even though he's upstairs overacting again or maybe I just blinked and missed a crucial plot element somewhere. Meanwhile, an obnoxious girl with fake eyelashes has not one but two threesomes with a hot blonde and a fat, twitchy dude. Then suddenly everything is fine again and the hot daughter frolics around the house. The end.


Fuck me, what a mess.


Rita Calderoni in The Reincarnation of Isabel

I read a review of this film on the Internet once. The reviewer compared the editing in this film to the editing in Dreyer's THE PASSION OF JOAN OF ARC. Somewhere a film professor's head just exploded. While Dreyer's disjointed, non-matching editing scheme had a point and a purpose, the editing in THE REINCARNATION OF ISABEL most certainly does not. Not content with simply zooming into something - the usual Italian way of doing things - director Renato Polselli chooses a rapid fire cutting method that brings the audience closer in simple leaps. While this is fine and dandy by itself, he does it repeatedly and at varying speeds. If you have an epileptic neighbor that you just can't stand, THE REINCARNATION OF ISABEL would make the perfect torture device. Have some people you wanna kill? Invite them over for a drinking game. The rules are simple: take a drink whenever you notice a continuity error. They'll be dead in half an hour.


Mickey Hargitay in The Reincarnation of Isabel

Thankfully, THE REINCARNATION OF ISABEL is a veritable tit parade. The nudity is plentiful and the majority of the cast is incredibly easy on the eyes - especially the ever-yummy Rita Calderoni. The brightly colored wrapper on the turd that is this film, the constant nudity makes the proceedings a bit easier to stomach. There is also more than enough here for the hopeless "so bad its good" crowd to enjoy. Wonderful dialog abounds. We're told that "a vampire must have blood that has not been contaminated by human sperm". Exactly what hole have you been sticking it in, Champ? And how could I forget Mickey Hargitay, a man whose histrionics are a MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000 fans dream come true? And the set design, a curious mix of DARK SHADOWS-esque interiors and Ed Wood-style artifice... So much suck, so little time.


Renato Polsetti's The Reincarnation of Isabel

Everyone should see THE RENCARNATION OF ISABEL. It makes every picture Andrea Bianchi made look like CITIZEN KANE.


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