Films That Witness Madness

review

ZOMBIE

A gun is pointed at the screen. We cut to a corpse wrapped in cloth. The corpse begins to sit up. The gun fires, popping a large hole in the cloth-shrouded head of the corpse. We zoom in quickly to the damage, meat hanging out from the blackened entry wound. That's the beginning scene in Lucio Fulci's DAWN OF THE DEAD knock-off ZOMBIE (or ZOMBI, or ZOMBI 2, or ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS, etc.). By the time the film ends, I wish I was that corpse and that was my head being shattered. That way I could be sure the memory of this low rent piece of shit wouldn't linger in my brain.

ZOMBIE is a terminable bore of a film that has somehow risen to the ranks of "horror classic" through the years. I have no idea why. During the good ol' VHS days, this was one of the most popular films at my local video store. It was perpetually out of stock. Talking to the other Gorehounds and Horrorheads - most of them a good ten to thirty years older than myself at the time - was how I learned of the film. "Gruesome", "gory", "disgusting" and "repulsive" were all common words they would use when describing the film to me. If only I could see the damned thing. Every week I went in to find the video had been rented out - I later found out that it was always being rented out to the same guy, sometimes for whole months! - and I honestly began to lose hope in the prospect of ever seeing it for myself. Then one day I went in to rent some quick and breezy Full Moon stuff and lo and behold there it was sitting on the shelf. I snagged it quick, paid my $3.50 and went home, drooling over the idea of seeing something truly "gruesome", "gory", "disgusting" and "repulsive". I took the VCR up to my room - I was only 14 at the time - and hooked it up, popped in the tape, and sat back ready to have my mind blown or my stomach upset.

Neither happened.

My immediate reaction to ZOMBI was that it was dull and lazy. I snickered during the eyeball-skewering scene but it wasn't because of any sick delight. It was because it was so incredibly fake looking. I yawned during the "exciting climax" and damn near threw the tape out my window once it was done rewinding. I had been had. THIS was a classic?! THIS is what I waited so long to see?!

I returned the tape the next day. The guy behind the counter asked me if I liked it. I didn't bother to answer.

Fast forward five years and I'm at a small party at a friend's house. We watch CANNIBAL FEROX and we watch DR. BUTCHER M.D.. Then my friend decides to put on ZOMBI 2. I'm not pleased but I watch anyway. I find myself enjoying it more this time around but whether that's because of the company or the beer, I'm not really sure. I realize that it is a fairly well-shot film despite the constant zooms that were putting my beer-and-Dorito-filled stomach on high alert. "Maybe it wasn't as bad as I remembered", I said to myself. "Perhaps my expectations were too high?" Thirty minutes into ZOMBI 2 for the second time and I realize that my expectations had nothing to do with it. ZOMBI 2 might not be a terrible looking, pitifully directed film but it is most definitely a stinker.

I've seen this film at least 7 times in my life and every time I watch it I find it more of a chore to get through. I simply don't find it to be enjoyable. Not in the least. It's incredibly stilted and remarkably dull. The acting - if you can call it that - is atrocious and the characters are completely devoid of personality. The special effects have not aged well at all and the once shocking scenes of cannibalism and carnage have been rendered laughable by time. Fulci's direction - possible the only real highlight of the film - is fairly inconsistent, but several individual scenes are rather strong.

Take, for example, the infamous eyeball-skewering scene. It starts with something prowling around outside a house. A POV shot of the house - underscored by coarse breathing - instantly brings to mind a scene from a slasher film. The Doctor's wife is in the shower, a gratuitous scene of T&A that benefits not only from it's attractive actress but from Fulci's framing of the scene as well. Fulci utilizes the two vanity mirrors in the bathroom to make sure we can soak in every inch of the her wet, glistening body and he does it in a single set-up, an enticing come-on without the lurid, leering attitude of the slasher film. When she leaves the shower clad in nothing but a towel, the game begins. She notices something is wrong and flees into another room. She tries to close the door but it's blocked by something. As the camera pans down, a rotting hand begins to force it's way through the crack. She presses against the door with all her weight until the door finally begins to close, scraping away the flesh from the ghoul's fingers in the process.

Naturally, it doesn't stop there. Whatever is on the other side of the door begins to break through. She pushes a dresser against the door, panting. Relief washes over her. Then, with a sudden smash, the hand comes through the splintered wood, grabbing her by the hair. As the hand begins to pull her head closer and closer to the door, Fulci shows us a large splinter of wood. She tries to fight back as her head moves closer to that jagged piece of wood. The music on the soundtrack grows louder and louder. Suddenly, the soundtrack goes silent and the splinter of wood slips effortlessly into her eye, deeper and deeper before the shard of wood is snapped off and the Doctor's wife is pulled through hole the door, the large chunk of wood protruding from her oozing ocular cavity.

Pretty impressive scene overall. Fulci was one of the best giallo directors around - excluding the odious NEW YORK RIPPER, all of his gialli come highly recommended from yours truly - and this scene demonstrates his ability to create a great, tense stalking scene. But the whole thing is for naught as the outcome - that pierced eyeball - is patently fake. What should have ended in a scream ends instead with a laugh.

The other "memorable" scenes in ZOMBIE FLESH EATERS don't fare any better. The ridiculous shark versus zombie scene is one of the most ludicrous, pathetic scenes in a sub-genre full of them and the climax of the film - the one scene that should be a jaw-dropper - is a total snooze. If you haven't seen the film imagine the following: three survivors are holed up in an old Church that's been turned into a makeshift hospital. As a small group of slow-moving, utterly unconvincing zombies approach, our three survivors lob Molitov cockatil after Molitov cocktail at the zombies, stopping periodically to shoot them in the chest. Now imagine that going on for a full three minutes until they decide to just run out the back door. Exciting, eh?

Not really. It's been clearly demonstrated elsewhere in the film that a head-shot is the only way to take down these zombies but our dipshit heroes continually waste bullets shooting them everywhere except in the head. The pack of zombies is nothing more than 8 or 9 slowly shambling corpses that they simply could run around and be gone before any of them even notice. And why the fuck didn't they just run out the back door to begin with?! When they finally do, the only zombie they encounter is the now-undead wife of one of the characters - cue the whole "stop and stare at your now undead love until she bites you" scene. They could have saved themselves a whole lot of trouble by exercising just a little bit of common sense.

Of course this is a zombie movie and nothing ever really makes sense in a zombie film but at some point you just can't help but slap yourself in the forehead while watching this shit. There are so many "what the fuck" moments in ZOMBI 2 that I lost count. Apparently no one bothered to dig very deep graves way back when as all the zombies rising from the dead appear to only have to fight their way through two inches of dirt. You got a bunch of decade-old corpses who still have eyeballs. When those particular zombies go splat, we get close-ups of blood gushing out of their shattered skulls - dead for decades but still moist? The Doctor on the island is trying to find a cure for a voodoo curse? Did I mention the zombie and shark brawl?

The people that consider ZOMBIE one of the all-time great horror movies need to have their heads checked. This is such a cheap, flimsy, empty and laughable film. It does absolutely nothing new and absolutely nothing particularly well. It is Fulci's best directed straight horror film - after THE BEYOND, that is - but there isn't enough style to help lift it out of it's low budget roots. At the end of the day, I find nothing truly memorable about it. It's just another Italian rip-off of a TRUE classic horror film. It may be better than most Italian DAWN OF THE DEAD rip-offs but that really, really, REALLY isn't saying much.

Total crap.

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