Films That Witness Madness

review

HUSTLER SQUAD

So here I am, faced with the unenviable task of trying to compose a solid, cohesive four or five paragraphs about HUSTLER SQUAD, a Cesar Gallardo-directed action quickie with nil in terms of production value, acting talent and excitement. Why am I bothering to do this? Couldn't I just pick a different movie? Well, yes and yes but that would be cheating. I decided when I set up this little site that I would not limit myself to writing about films that were particularly good and/or interesting. I could easily fill this space - and then some - with an illuminating look into Romero's Dead series and the way those little films with big ideas are still relevant - some might say even more so - today. I could dissect any number of Wes Craven films, delve into the aesthetic pleasures of John Carpenter's early work or elucidate on the rough, hard-nosed and brutally cynical work of Sam Fuller. But that would be too easy.

The best thing that I can say about HUSTLER SQUAD is that it reminded me of my early teenage years. This was the kind of film that would run rampant on a late-night, weekend movie marathon show called Up All Night, by far and away the greatest contribution to television as yet made by the USA Network. Friday nights were usually dedicated to cheesy horror films and even cheesier sci-fi flicks. Troma films were common place as were slasher films. This is where I first crossed paths with such cinematic trash as CHEERLEADER CAMP, THE CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH, and SLAUGHTER HIGH. Regulations on content were much looser than they are today and I remember a good deal of these films were presented with only light editing - I also remember tuning in to watch FRIDAY THE 13TH and FRIDAY THE 13TH, PART 3 on USA Network one Saturday afternoon and delighting in the fact that they were also largely uncut, the only thing missing was the nudity. This was nirvana for a young horror fan full of raging hormones and an infinite craving for gore. It didn't matter that these movies were usually lousy. It was like having my own double-feature drive-in night out - with conveniently placed commercial breaks to allow for bathroom trips and a popcorn bowl refill - all in the comfort of my own living room.

The host for the Saturday night show - which consisted mainly of T&A fluff like THE BIKINI CARWASH COMPANY and H.O.T.S. - was Gilbert Gottfried, a minor nuisance, but the Friday night show belonged to the lovely Rhonda Shear. Ahh, Rhonda Shear. She was like Barbie mixed with Elvira, the perfect host for these kinds of films. And the perfect host for a young boy completely enthralled by boobies. Rhonda Shear was like a porn star you'd actually want to talk to after sex. She was funny, charming and so goddamned yummy that it was hard to resist tuning in every Friday night. Rhonda Shear remains to this very day the only woman I would ever sit through DEATHSTALKER for. And let me tell ya, that's saying something.

As much as I - and my penis - loved Rhonda, I was also goo-goo for some of the short films they showed. Every once and awhile, a creepy-as-fuck short called THE DUMMY would come on. In it's brief running time, this little film manages to out-creep every other "evil doll" movie ever made - the sole exception MIGHT be TRILOGY OF TERROR, but I'm still debating that all these years later. Sitting up in the dark, all by my lonesome, waiting for this short to come on and then wishing it never did when I was trying to go to sleep later... Ahh, memories....

Huh?

I'm sorry?

Oh yeah! HUSTLER SQUAD! I completely forgot.

It sucks.

/review.

And yes, I cheated... Sue me...

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