CAMP FEAR

Directed by Thomas Edward Keith. United States. 1991.

CAMP FEAR, writer/director Thomas Edward Keith's lone filmmaking effort, is a kitchen-sink film. Naked women, bad comedy, a musical number, a lake monster, a giant Druid, some rape-happy bikers, a wise medicine man, Buck Flowers, and the end of the world. That’s enough disparate plot elements for five shot-on-video shitwagons. Shockingly, CAMP FEAR was not shot-on-video. It is, however, a shitwagon. Worse, it’s a shitwagon with two busted wheels and a lunatic holding the reins.

We start the film with a very naked Michelle Bauer, and a half dozen topless sorority girls, all fighting over who gets to stand in front of the camera and lather themselves up for a $50 paycheck and their name in the closing credits. Enjoy the titty parade while it lasts, ladies and gentlemen, because we are now departing sexploitation heaven for the lands of bad exposition and narrative padding. Bye bye, Bauer. It was fun while it lasted.

We then meet a trio of dullards who will be spending their spring break collecting Native American artifacts instead of partying in Palm Springs. Their names are Wendy, Melissa, and Tiffany. Their personalities don’t matter. Our tour guide on this little field trip to Mystic Mountain (yes, that’s what it’s called) is anthropology professor Mark Hamilton. Why have fun soaking up some rays and chasing boys when you can score some extra credit climbing a mountain? Mark’s ultra-possessive girlfriend, Jamie, tags along too. We meet Mark as he finishes his lecture about comparative religion, Druid ceremonies, and the end times. No one seems to care all that much. I can relate.

This film takes place in California, a state that experiences roughly 10,000 earthquakes a year. In fact, it's having one right now. The rumbles spook Mark, as he’s a transplant to the Golden State. The girls wave them off as nothing more than regular occurrences, but did anyone else remember when we were talking about the apocalypse? Didn’t Mark say something about earthquakes being a sign? Come on, that was 90 seconds ago. Remember? Something about the quickly approaching millennium being a cataclysmic trigger for the end of the world? And there were Druids or some shit? Anyone? Hello?! Fuck it, never mind that. Let’s go hang out at the bar and dance like idiots! Hey, maybe Wendy can unconvincingly lip-sync a pop song while we boogie? Ah fun.

The group stops for gas on the way to the mountain. Buck Flowers shows up. Would you believe me when I say he plays a drunk? Buck gives them the whole Crazy Ralph spiel about how they're alllll dooooomed. Something about demons on the mountain, but we don’t need to worry about that, I’m sure. A gaggle of hilariously stereotypical 80s bikers shows up. We’ll definitely need to worry about them. They’re very eager to commit all kinds of assault on our gang of plucky young ladies. But for now, the bikers head off to a rock concert (apparently playing in the middle of nowhere) while our group finally reaches their destination 26 minutes into the goddamn movie.

But first, one last distraction: an old Indian medicine man in his teepee. He tells Mark that he’s on his way to fight an ancient evil deep in the mountain. ‘It brings death’, he tells us. That’s now two people and one earthquake warning the idiot brigade to piss off and go home. So naturally, they stay. When they wake the next morning, the Indian is gone, never to figure prominently in the story again. Au revoir, Chief. I hope your movie is better than this one.

It was at this point I began to notice that everyone looks the same age. Jamie, played by the wonderful Betsy Russell, has zero chemistry with Mark, which is odd because Russell was married the actor, Vincent Van Patten, at the time. I also realized that I wasn’t even sure who the lead character was meant to be. Is it Wendy? No, it can’t be. They’re giving her absolutely nothing to do. It’s probably Tiffany, right? I guess so. After all, we’re following her through the woods while everyone else does nothing. I’m sure she’ll stumble upon something interesting that will send the movie soaring off to the midpoint.

Oh, she just gets kidnapped off-screen? OK, then.

The bikers show up and capture Mark and Jamie. Their rock concert got called off because of those pesky earthquakes, so now they’re 100 times more angry and rapey. Did I mention that their names are Frog, Ace, Speedy, and Bill? Really gave up 3/4 of the way through there, didn’t ya, Thomas Edward Keith?

Melissa and Wendy find Tiffany’s shoe in the woods and head off looking for her, only to be chased by a very horny Speedy. The girls swim across the lake with Speedy in fast pursuit (see what I did there?). The girls reach the shore just fine. Speedy isn’t so lucky. A giant, snake-like muppet head emerges from the water, gobbling him up. We got a Nessie, folks.

Just when you thought it was safe to get out of the water, Melissa and Wendy are attacked by a large bald man with a lumpy noggin. He drags them to a nearby cave, where they find Tiffany alive, well, and dressed in a sexy cavewoman outfit. Wendy tells Tiffany about the lake monster, which she infuriatingly keeps calling a ‘sea monster’. Melissa finds a pocket computer, does some calculations, and determines that their kidnapper is actually a Druid who worships the lake monster and is planning on killing them all as part of a blood ritual.

Eventually, the Druid kidnaps Jamie, kicking the high holy shit out of Mark in the process. When the remaining bikers find him, Mark convinces them to help kill the Druid. For some reason, they go along with this plan. Meanwhile, Jamie, Melissa, and Wendy are dressed up in fetish costumes and are force-fed Druid drugs. That’s real bad for them, but real good for us because it shuts them up for the first time in 50 minutes. Hey, wasn’t there a medicine man in this movie out looking for trouble? Is this the ancient evil he was talking about? And what was all that shit about four sacrifices needed to prevent the end of the world?

Wait… to prevent the end of the world? If that’s true, shouldn’t we be, ya know, rooting for the Druid?

I mean, I was rooting for him, but only because our cast of characters is generally intolerable. Truth be told, I wasn’t even clear on what counted as a sacrifice. Apparently, the two bikers eaten by the lake muppet counted, so was sacrificing our babes really necessary? Couldn’t we have just fed more bikers to the beastie? And if that counts, why go through the laborious effort of setting up a tiny Stonehenge in a cave in the first place? Just club them with a rock or something. And let’s say the Druid does manage to kill all four girls; is he given credit for the surplus amount of sacrifices? Do they roll over or do they expire at the end of the year?

Regardless, the movie ends with a disgustingly high percentage of the cast still alive. Our babes are rescued by the bikers that were trying to rape them only a few hours ago. Wendy actually gets cozy with one of them before the end credits, his big, burly, rapey arms draped over her as she clings to his chest hair, framed like two lovers in a romance novel. GROSS.

So yeah, this movie sucks. It has no business being boring. We have bikers, a lake monster, an Indian mystic, Michelle Bauer’s breasts, and fucking Eegah. How was this not a home run? Lame.